I am a single mother raising a girl child in a society that says I am not enough. By the world’s standard, a child to be happy must be raised in a home where there are both parents. This mentality has pushed women to a point of desperation to settle with men who don’t want that responsibility.
The message about children being raised in a happy, loving and healthy home is not celebrated enough. Women have been raising children alone for generations with men present in the house. The idea that a women is cannot take on this responsibility by themselves is a work of patriarchy that says “Women cannot be without men”.
I understand the desperation in women, I understand the pressure and I get the part where we have to do this by ourselves, it’s hard. Believe me I know. I believe that it is better for a child to be raised by a single parent in a nurturing environment than forcing a child to witness a painful situation of being around a man that still needs some growing up.
I was raised in a home without a man and of cause I don’t want that for my child. It’s still something I wouldn’t choose for her on any day but the reality is that I’m sitting in a place where she’s about to feel it, feel the absence, feel the abandonment and I can’t protect her from that. But what I can do is love her, support her, raise her with good values and hope that will be enough.
She’s growing up in a world where she will wake up almost every day and see messages about how perfect it is to grow up with two parents, how much she’s missing out, how broken it is to not have that completed puzzle and how screwed up she will be. It breaks my heart. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the complete picture but there’s everything wrong with assuming that a child is broken and damaged for a one piece of the puzzle missing.
I want us to get to a point where being raised by a single mother is normal, where it is not seen as a tragedy and celebrated as strength and light. A child comes into the world with both parents, that is how it’s supposed to be and that’s how God created it. I’m not saying women can replace a “father’s” place or can be everything and anything to a child. That’s not real.
I am saying that there’s nothing to shame and blame about women raising kids alone, there’s nothing embarrassing about women who had men walk out on them, there’s nothing bad about a woman showing up in school meetings alone and there’s definitely nothing broken about a child raised by a loving mother.
Now moms, understand that every decision you make as a parent; you are teaching your child something. When you stay in abusive relationships, you are teaching your child something and when you settle, you’re teaching them something. You are teaching them by how you walk, how you carry yourself and how you speak. Everything that you do doesn’t just become a consequence that only you have to deal with but it becomes your child’s reality as well.
You are scared of being alone; you are terrified of walking into a marriage with a child that is not of your husband, you are most afraid of not being enough. I get it, trust me I know. Your insecurities are shaped by the society you grew up in, the environment you were exposed in. Understand that you were once a child too who was trained in the way you should be; you did not get here by yourself.
It’s not your fault that you are raising a child by yourself, It’s not your fault that he left, it’s not your fault that he didn’t choose or prioritised his family, it’s definitely not your fault that he is not the man for the job. You can’t raise a child and a man, you can’t fix him, and you can’t change him. It’s not your job.
I know this is not the life you had imagined for yourself but it is your reality now. Embrace it, I know you can. Your child will not be screwed up; you won’t damage him/her. Our children are imperfect, let go of the idea you have and embrace who they are. They will get to a point where they will be very confused and they will be searching for their own truth. Don’t take it personal, they are just trying to figure their own path in this life and that is something will all went through.
Just stay patient, loving and supportive, The God who has been pursuing them from the very beginning will become real to them and it will suddenly down on them that you have been a reflection of His love from the start. YOU ARE ENOUGH MOMMA!!!
Don’t worry about finding love or whether that man will find you worthy. It’s not about him, it’s about you understanding you are worthy of love and you are enough even in your imperfections. When you get to a certain level of self-love, of identity and healing, you will also be able to discern that a man who truly understands what love is will cherish you, respect you and love your babies as the blessing they are.
Momma, you are the light of the world, you have the power to influence change in your home, I hope you will realise your strength and your power so you can start walking in authority.
“Train up a child in the way that he should go and he will not depart from it” – Proverbs 22:6