2019 was a year of healing and a year of growth. So many times when we deal with internal battles, scars we can’t touch or see can be frustrating. It’s easy to heal a wound when it’s right in front of you, when you can also see and measure its healing progress.
I’ve suffered more than I can say the past year. I’ve been tormented, stripped, tested and sifted. I’ve sacrificed myself more than I can count. I was crushed completely in many ways than one. There was a moment when I wanted to give up, when I was done with life and all its challenges. I was tired of trying, of being positive and understanding, I wanted out.
I was dealing with black tax, expectations and pressure from my family who thought I would be the one. The attitudes that came with those disappointments put me in a very horrible shape. I didn’t really care about being on a pedestal before because I liked the attention, I was honoured. But to live up to those expectations was a different story. It was hard.
From a cancer scare, battling with anxiety and pressure, I remember being held at gunpoint and surviving what was meant to be a kidnapping. I had to let go of resentment and anger issues and start healing childhood traumas. I’ve relived moments in my life I thought were buried and long gone. I had to confront them in order to make space for planting new seeds and growing them. I still remember thinking it doesn’t get lower than this.
I had to put up a brave face and smile through the pain every day as I try to survive another day at work. Trying to survive being undervalued, underpaid, underestimated, unseen, and discriminated against. There were moments I wished I would escape, run or disappear. I walked in school meetings alone and parenting my daughter with grace without projecting. It was difficult to the core.
My life is all kinds of screwed up, I am far from perfection. My goal is wholeness, completeness, finding peace in the midst of storms and pressures of life. My goal is to be alive! This year has taken so much from me, starved me of moments of love, laughter and joy, and paralysed me with fear, hopelessness and unhappiness.
But I also think it has opened a window of putting the past to rest, an opportunity for me to find healing and letting go of things that were eating away my joy. I see things differently now, for the first in my entire life I feel like I can breathe, that it’s okay to exhale. I am more myself now that I have ever been in my entire life. There’s something liberating about rediscovering your own truth.
I am not immune to pain but now I am prepared. I am determined to bring all of myself to life; I would be doing an injustice to myself if I gave half of anything. I am not afraid anymore, I am content.
GOD HAS BEEN REAL in ways unimaginable. He taught me so much about being prepared before you are positioned, the process of planting new seeds, the growth and the joy that is found in Christ alone. There’s still so much I do not know but I know this; I don’t think I’m here to escape pain, run away or disappear, I’m not here to live my life moment to moment. I think I’m here just to be alive, to see it, hear it, and feel it even when it hurts.